I was glad to find your
site for a number of reasons, some of which you've cited: if Neil or
his friends & family felt like condolences were not in order or may
have the opposite affect than intended, we should respect that. Also,
you ask if it matters if Neil ever reads this, and I think the answer
has to be "No." Condolences, offers of "whatever I can do to help. . ."
etc. are always more to make us feel better; nothing that anyone could
possibly say or do could make such a loss more bearable. Nobody can guess
what innocuous phrase or random thought will be the one that allows the
survivor to decide that it will, eventually, be OK. Maybe not tomorrow,
maybe not next year, but someday. (Sometimes, I imagine, that realization
doesn't come, and despair consumes all.) Lastly, even if Neil could read
a posting such as this, or wanted to, after 5 years and after discovering
love again I'd hate to think that my meager, selfish attempts at putting
voice to my feelings would reopen old wounds or remind him of his immeasurable
loss. Again, nothing I could possibly say, write, or otherwise relate could
ease his pain- as much as I wish it could. Nonetheless, I felt like I had
to write something to explain, even if only to myself, what I felt and am
feeling now, so soon after learning about Neil's losses.
Having been a fanatical Rush fan from very early on- from 2112
I worked backwards, then forward through the Signals & Grace Under
Pressure days- I fell from the fold when I married, got a "serious" job,
had kids. Tonight, though, when my cousin forwarded a Vapor Trails link,
all of the memories, the thoughts inspired and words undiscovered, came
back, and I started a web search for some of the prose I'd always heard
Neil was dabbling in. Even while at the height of my fandom, I'd always
known Neil had even more deep, insightful things to say and that hard rock
might be only one of the forums for him. I'd heard about the bike trek,
and was pleasantly surprised to find out I have not only that experience
ahead of me but that a new book is coming out soon, too- Ghost Rider sounds
both ominous and self-irreverent, and I look forward to re-experiencing
Neil's way with language in both of these forms.
When my broad web search turned up the news of his personal tragedies
(that sounds so trite when describing such life-changing events,) it hit
me like a blow. I've been out of touch with all things Rush for years
(though I did get Geddy's recent solo project, and like it,) and when I
read this I actually felt guilty, like this had happened to an estranged
family member or a close friend with whom I'd lost touch over the years.
My first thought was actually, "My God, that was 5 years ago, and I wasn't
there for him- didn't even know. . ." as if my knowing about it any sooner
would have made any difference at all to him. That was how profoundly Neil's
(and Alex's & Geddy's) efforts affected and stayed with me, though. I
felt like I was one of the insiders that caught all, or at least most, of
the obscure references in their songs and album concepts. It was a very deep,
very personal thing with me and my relatively small circle of friends; we'd
talk for hours about the most arcane aspects of everything from the cover
art, to the liner notes, to the source material, to the operatic structure,
to which was the most balls-out rockingest solo (still say Free Will's
is right up there), ad infinitum.
Rush, and Neil in particular, was the first and best example for
me of something that both moved me on a visceral level and prodded me
to look into realms other than Rock for the same kinds of epiphanies. Once
my Dad finished quoting the opening lines of Xanadu after I'd badgered
him into letting me play one of my tapes on the long car ride home from
one Summer vacation, and I knew for the first time that "hey, these guys
aren't just making his stuff up as they go," I started researching every
song, looking up every unfamiliar word or name I came across. How many other
Rock bands had the name of Don Quixote's horse in one of their tunes? Sure,
I knew that Ayn Rand inspired both Anthem and 2112, but what about Nietzsche's
Apollo versus Dionysus in Hemispheres? (I actually wrote my senior English
term paper on that one.) As a result of listening to Rush and poring over
the lyrics I discovered Samuel Taylor Coleridge, which led to other poets
of his type and time; from Rand's Anthem I went to The Fountainhead and
Atlas Shrugged; Caress of Steel's Necromancer led (along with a Jungian
influence) to a rudimentary study of Alchemy and its analogues; his referencing
classics like Tolkien's Rivendell and Twain's Tom Sawyer and pop culture
icons like Serling's Twilight Zone cemented my belief that solid hard Rock
can also make one think; I could (and did) go on and on and on.
"Sadder still to watch it die than never to have known it/for you
the blind who once could see/the bell tolls for thee. . ." Were sadder,
or truer, words ever written? For me they applied to a car accident I was
in, and how it would affect the rest of my life, but I had no trouble imagining
the writer Neil was (autobiographically?) describing, or how maddening it
must be for him to have grasped the truth for just a moment, or seen the
briefest glimpse of pure light, before it slipped away.
Like Salieri in Amadeus, I seem destined to recognize genius and
acts of inspired creation, but to never be able to make such an original
statement of my own. (At least not yet.) To live vicariously through
Rush's music, and Neil's lyrics, was the closest I could come as a teenager
and young adult to the truly numinous, and it changed my life, pointed
me in new directions and helped me appreciate many other forms of art and
literature, and for that I'll always be deeply grateful.
I wish there was something more I could say, some profound reference
I could make, to lessen the suffering of someone that did the same for
me for so many years, but I can't. From all appearances he has, if not
come to terms with it, accepted it and found love again- very deservedly
so. Thank you, Neil, for everything over the years, and I wish you nothing
but the best in what I hope will be as long and fruitful a life as you wish
for yourself.
Thanks for providing an outlet for these ramblings.
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for their assistance.