Every child
brought into this life deserves to have a loving family and lots of
friends who love them, but unfortunately that does not always
happen. Some are born and live in unbelievable situations and it
amazes me how the ones who do survive manage to do so. Some
experience living in foster care and or being adopted. Having been
both a foster mom and an adoptive mom there is some experiences I
want to share with you on the subject of finding birth parents.
There has been
much discussion on the subject of opening adoption records for an
adoptee once they reach age 18. Do I believe every child deserves to
know who their birthparents are if they choose to, most assuredly I
do, but at the same time the birthparents have the right to not be
contacted if they choose not to be. The adoptee also has the right
to not be contacted by the birthparent if they choose not to be.
In my opinion
and from what I have learned from experience making adoption records
available to someone who was adopted is not the answer. I think
there should be a data base set up in such a manner that it can be
accessible to both the adoptee once they reach the age of 18 years
and also available to the birthparents should they wish to contact
their birth son or daughter.
Birthparents and
the adoptee should also be able to fill out forms stating that they
do not wish to ever be contacted and that data base should be
searched as new information comes in.
The adoptee who
wishes to contact their birthparents could fill out the forms and be
placed in the data base and the birthparents could do the same.
As new information is placed into the data base a search could be
done to see if either party is already in the data base and if they
wish to be contacted or not.
Bringing
the birthparents and the adoptee together is not always a good
thing. Children are put up for adoption for many different reasons.
Some of the reasons may want to be forgotten by the
birthmother, for instance if the child was born as the result
of a violent rape and the birthmother chooses to never see or have
anything to do with the child, does she have the right to make this
choice, I believe that she does. I also believe that the adoptee has
the right to know this and there should be a way for them to get
this information without invading the privacy of the birthmother who
chooses not to be in contact with the adoptee.
This should work
the same way for the adoptee if they wish to never be contacted by
the birthparents.
The choice
should be up to each individual and their choice should be
respected.
We adopted five
children. I told them all when they were old enough to understand
they were adopted and when they asked about their birthparents I
told them all the positive things I could about them. I also
told them I would do all I could to help them find their
birthparents when and if they desired to. I met the birthmothers of
all but one of our children and met the birthfather of one of them.
The children are
all grown now and two of them to date have no desire to be in
contact with any of their birth family.
Our youngest
daughter's birthparents were not married and wished to never be
contacted. And this precious little doll has now gone on to the next
life, her birthparents never getting to know what a jewel she was
and how much happiness she brought many people.
Our oldest
daughter has been in contact with her birthmother a couple of times
and chooses to have nothing to do with her. The birthmother still
wants to be in contact and lives only a few blocks from her. For
several months after she contacted my daughter she stalked and
harassed her until the police had to be called and a restraining
order put out against her. She knows that if she contacts my
daughter or comes on her property she will be arrested. My daughter
is very afraid of the woman. She has stayed away from her since the
police were involved.
She has seen her
birthfather three or four times and he has her so confused that she
is having nightmares and bad dreams about things that happened to
her in the first four years of her life. She had stopped having bad
dreams and nightmares until her birthfather came to visit and
started talking to her. She has caught him in many lies and
she says what he tells her makes no sense. They have many
disagreements and she is on the verge of telling him that she does
not want to ever be in contact with him again.
Her half-brother
was placed in foster care the same time as she was and he was
adopted by the foster family. His mother and I stayed in touch by
phone for a couple of years and then she stopped calling. One day I
got a letter in the mail from his adoptive father. He told me that
he and his wife had divorced a few years before and that my
daughter's brother was with him. We kept writing back and forth and
talking to the kids about the letters. When they were old enough to
write letters I gave my daughter his address and they started
writing to each other.
They got to see
each other when her brothers family made a trip back here from where
they were living. My daughter was 19 and her brother was 15. They
are now in their 20's and 30's, they still call and see each other.
Our other
daughter unfortunately will never get to meet her birthfather if she
would chose to or not, he was killed in an accident several years
ago. There are generations of alcoholism and mental illness in this
family. Our daughter has no desire to meet her birthmother. The
birthmother is not capable of caring for herself.
I learned a few
years ago that our daughter had a half sister in foster care that is
eight years younger than she. I told my daughter about her sister
and told her if she wanted to meet her I would arrange it...she had
no desire to meet her.
Her sister was
adopted when she was three or four years old. Almost two years ago
the adoptive mother contacted me, we had a very nice long talk. My
daughter's sister was wanting to meet her, but my daughter wanted no
part of seeing her.
We moms
exchanged pictures of the girls and when my daughter's sisters
pictures came in I gave them to her, told her who the pictures were
of and told her what her name is. She showed no interest. Her sister
kept calling periodically wanting to talk to her and my daughter
kept refusing to talk to her until a few months ago. She has since
seen her once and they talk on the phone now and then. They have
exchanged pictures again. I would like to see them have a great
relationship, but it is their choice to make not mine.
Every adoption
story is different and all the people involved in the adoptions have
different desires and make different choices.
Some birthparent
and adoptee meetings work out, but there are those that bring more
harm and more pain into the lives of the adoptee and in some cases
the birthparent.
There should be
a way for the adoptee to find out who their birthparents are without
contacting them if they wish to not be contacted. There may be
brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents or other
family members who would be interested in meeting them and the
adoptee may be interested in meeting them also. Knowing their birth
name and where they were born could lead them to these family
members.
It all comes
down to respect and honoring people's choices even if they are not
the choices we ourselves would make
