Left's Definitions

Organized Thematically

States' Rights: When the Idiots elected to the State Legislature are of equal importance to the Idiots that are elected to Congress.

Judicial Bias: A Judge forgot to ignore the Constitution.

Judicial Activism: A Judge did what we liked, Especially if the Constitution was ignored.

Media Bias: When our viewpoints are not presented as recieved truth.

Censorship: We didn't get to say anything, even if it was true.

Responsible Press: When only the things we like get presented.

Muckraking: The truth about what we've done is being reported.

Free Speech: What we like to hear.

Hate Speech: What we don't like to hear.

Ideologue: Someone who ransacks the dictionary to disguise their empty head.

Uninformed Ideologue: Someone who criticises our policies or Politicians.

Brilliant Ideologue: Someone who approves of our policies, especially when they make excuses or flippantly dismisses our errors.

Accountability: Acknowledged responsibility; What we demand of our opponents, and avoid ourselves.

Restraint:

1. Our opponents, silenced.
2. What we call "Censorship", when used to prevent an embarrassing story from being announced.
3. Police Violence applied to people we don't like.
4. Ignoring a problem until the victims can be eulogized.

Capitalism: A Hog, slowly butchered.

Socialism: We run things in the "Best Interests of the People", and can charge for the priviledge.

Marxism: Socialism that control the police.

Fascism: Socialism that doesn't control the Police.

Democracy: Never take over a government without it.

Libertarians: People who think that they can do what we say we want to do, but don't understand why we won't do it.

Gerrymandering: Voting districts designed by our opponents.

Redistricting: Voting districts that we design.

Humanitarian:

1. People who will do all the nasty, unpleasant things like tending the sick, cleaning sewers, constructing schools, or teaching when there's no Air conditioning, Clean water from a tap, or Starbucks.
2. The PR Campaign we announce when we send a few people to places we normally won't go, especially when the people who go return unnoticed, especially when the return is a day or two after the news crews have left.

Military:

1. Evil, disguising, corrupt, baby killers.
2. The people who rescue us when Humanitarian expeditions go wrong.

Elections: A general raffle held to let the population choose the brand of spoiled milk stocked in the Statehouse.

Electorate: People stupid enough to forget all the bad things the Government has been doing.

Citizens:

1. People who need convincing that we won't screw them if elected.
2. Taxpayers who are getting upset.
3. People who will vote for us, no matter what we promise.

Minorities: People who think their skin color, religion, background, previous nationality, or anything else that might divide them from the general population, automatically entitles them to free stuff from everyone else.

Special Interests: Groups of people who aren't in a some other minority group, but who want to be.

Journalists:

1. People who do defend our agenda in the Media.
2. Writers who accept our bribes

Writers:

1. People who don't help us defend our agenda in the Media.
2. People in the Media who are considering if they should accept our bribes.

Media Hacks:

1. People who point out, in public, our mistakes.
2. Journalists who didn't stay bribed.

Pundit: someone who will talk in support of our position without thinking about it.

Commentator: Someone who talks about our position, and seems to be trying to think about what it means.

Talking Head: someone who talks about our position, and doesn't like it.

Erotica: Sexual stuff we like.

Porn: Sexual stuff we don't like.

Perversion:

1. Any sexual practice that hurt when we tried it.
2. Any sexual practice common among people we dislike.

Divorce: The Courts' gift to people who realize it was their gonads talking, not their brains.

Alimony: The fine for allowing your Gonads to think.

Child Support: Alimony, with compound interest.

Permissive: Letting the younger generation screw up in the same way we did, to ensure that people with the same attitudes will be available to replace us.

Abortion: For some, Murder that occurs to early, for others, Murder committed to late.

Incest: How the Southern States demonstrate their loyalty.

Murder: The death of a potential supporter.

Homicide: The Death of a potential opponent.

Manslaughter: The death of a known opponent.
Also: A very delayed abortion

Suicide: The death of a known supporter.

Tragedy: Too many of our supporters died.

Act-of-God: Opponents Died, in some tragic fasion.

Martyrdom: somebody we like was killed by someone we don't.

The Six ways of doing anything:

1. The way the Officer in charge wants it.
2. The way it's done somewhere else
3. This new way that was just thought up.
4. The way it was done in the "Old Army/Navy/Marines/Air Force".
5. The way that Training Command is considering, as shown in a 1960's training film.
6. The way someone besides ME will do it.

Addendums:

1. The preferred method won't be explained, telepathy is assumed.
2. "You HAVE been there, right?"
3. ...but takes a tool not yet available / that violates a basic law of nature.
4. As told by someone who has time for nothing but "War/Sea Stories".
5. ...But a congressional committee decided that the development of the new method was to expensive, so they cancelled the project.
6. ... Assuming there IS someone else to do it ( ie, below you in rank / Above you on the OD's craplist).

What spawned these may be unsafe to discover:

When lost, just remember to ask yourself, "Why couldn't I be doing this with Lassie?"

A Bird in the Hand means you'll get shit on your palm.

Iraq: Now free to suffer under the despotism of Ronald Mcdonald, Burger King, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

A Man with a flamethrower should never be asked "Do you want fries with that?"

Will the real Liberal Democrats stand up, so we can mug you?

Liberals: the Few, the Proud, the Disorganized.

Better Politicians will not assure Better Government.

Antigone never got the whipping she deserved. Creon never got the credit he's due.

Programming is -creative writing-; every programmer a novelist.

IF I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it right; Since I don't I'm doing it wrong.